For the past hour or so I have been bawling. I wish I could say why. My endorphins should be kicking in after an half hour run but I am still teary-eyed and miserable. Isn't there a time in our lives when nothing makes sense anymore? There is time when you are forced to pause to ask what happened? When and how did my life become a joke? I thought I had a guardian angel looking out for me. I don't think so anymore. This angel is the joker from Batman instead. An angel would shield me from disaster rather than wrought disaster on me every time I give myself the permission to be happy. In 2013 I became the chair of my department and found a man who ostensibly was kind and liked intimacy with me. In 2014, the man betrayed me and I was denied tenure. All within two months of 2014. And the rest of the year I enrolled in a legal case against my institution, applied for every possible job to no avail, and kept postponing a surgery in the hope that I might get an interview call. My phone remained silent. I enlisted my betrayer back into my life for I desperately needed to feel that the world hadn't stopped spinning and I was in some twilight zone on an undiscovered planet. So no I don't have a guardian angel. I don't have anyone. I thought I knew the point to my life and decisions I made all along. A man said to me when I was married to another man to visit him in London, Canada and see if we are soul mates. I took more than half a year to lie my way to him. He didn't say and I didn't ask if we were soul mates. I assumed we were. I spent 10 years with the supposed soul mate hoping he will say he is. Instead he said and did everything that said the opposite. A soul mate doesn't call his other half "old" or look at her with disgust or forget her birthday or even forget to bring her medicine only to have drinks with a colleague instead. A soul mate doesn't see a crying and in pain other and shout at her to stop. He doesn't sit on his sofa with the nonchalance of a cat only to tell a pleading other that he doesn't want to continue with her after 10 years. So no I don't have a guardian angel. An angel would have seen my love and devotion to a mate and said, "ok, let's make her happy now." No, this angel just sat aside eating an apple while my life crumbled. This angel just sat aside eating a lemon this time when my life crumbled the second time--this time my livelihood was at stake. He didn't care. How dare I be happy again or attempt to be? He rather I be a joke to laugh about than be a human woman who needs a break now, who must be paid her dues now for the length of this suffering is unjustified. I need the light to shine at the end of my tunnel. I need a new angel who is not perverse but empathic. I am done with unkindness and entitlement. I need goodness in my life. I need to hope again. I need to live again. I need the universe to heed this plea. I am entitled to a good life for I have been a good "wife." I have worked my heart out to protect and nurture people in my personal and professional life. I have borne too many costs of such nurture. I need nurturing now---a lot. Calling on all good angels for the job. Like I said, only the good ones need apply.